It's a woman's prerogative never to be satisfied with her age.
Here's a post about aging. I just turned 33, and I'm finding it to be emotionally harder on me than 30 was. Turning 30 was no big deal for me. I felt ready for it, even a bit excited to be joining my siblings in their fabulous thirties. The strangest thing for me was to admit that I didn't know all the things I expected my 30-year-old self to know. I was still calling my mom to ask her how to cook a turkey and how to make gravy. A 30-year-old should know that stuff, I thought. But beyond that, I liked it. I felt confident, settled and happy with my life choices. I had a baby, then trained for a marathon and was in the best shape of my life, much more than any training I had ever done as a teenager or in my 20s. The 30s were way better than 20s, in my book.
Then I started hearing things from my sister. She's just three years older than me, and she started saying things like, "I'm not getting any younger." Or, "I'm not as young as I used to be." Or, "This old body is not going to hold up...nutrition...health...blah blah blah."
I thought she was being ridiculous. We're in our all-powerful 30's! We're invincible!
Well then I had a conversation with some other mommies the other day. We were chatting about our educational histories, where we went to college, what we studied, etc., and some numbers came out. When they asked when we graduated college, I discovered that I am 4-6 years older than they are. When I said out loud that I graduated college one year before they graduated high school, I felt old.
When they had shocked looks on their faces, I felt old.
When I realized that they are all still enjoying having babies in their mid-20s, I felt old.
When I realized that I had an entire extra chapter in my life than they do, I felt old.
I think that it's the Chapters that make me feel my age. I know I'm not old. Not anywhere close. I'm young, healthy, and have a full life ahead of me. But let's throw some numbers out here:
I graduated high school in 1998. 15 years ago.
I graduated college in 2002. 11 years ago.
I met and married Spiff in 2004. 9 years ago.
I graduated from graduate school in 2005. 8 years ago.
My most impressionable, footloose, and liberated chapters in my life are over. I loved those chapters, and they still feel so close to my heart that they don't feel so far away. But when someone new asks me what I do (for a living), I have to admit that I don't do much other than take care of my kids. And then I think back on those chapters when I was learning and doing wonderful things, meeting fabulous and talented friends, and going on adventures, I start feeling sentimental, and I miss it. Putting numbers to it and realizing that it has been eight years since I really played the piano makes me wonder what I have been doing with all of that time, since there was a time that Piano was all I was doing.
Wow, I'm really waxing nostalgic here. Also, I have some great stories from those chapters to share, so stay tuned.
But anyway, my transition to my mid-thirties is a little rough. I'm not taking it nearly so gracefully as I would like. I don't really like being older than my other mommy friends. I don't really like thinking of my childhood as a quarter of a century ago. Ah, well.
All of this reminds me of a conversation I had with Spiff's Grammy one time. She was an avid scrap-booker. One time, she was telling me about some of her pictures when she said, "Oh, that was when we went to (someplace). It was just a few years ago. Wait, was that 1987? That was twenty years ago?! How has it been twenty years?"
8 comments:
i just learned that "Jared" (the Subway guy) lost all that weight 15 years ago! remember what a HUGE DEAL that was??? how the heck has it been fifteen years?!!!!
I hear you, sister. I hear you.
It's quiet on night float and can't sleep yet. I was thinking of trying to start a new blog and saw you just barely posted. Nice post. It was well written. I used to be annoyed when people said they thought I looked too young to be a doctor. Now I'm becoming more grateful. I hope you, Spiff and the rest of the fam are doing well. Take care.
I think the gift of this is that you now think of graduate school with nostalgia, instead of thinly veiled loathing. Sometimes when something is really hard I remind myself how much fun I'm going to have remembering it without the bad bits. I especially feel that way about going to Europe. Now I just remember the culture and the traveling with Mom and the archive discoveries. I can neatly forget the loneliness, the hunger, the boredom etc.
So think of this as a gift! You're now old enough to romanticize what was not fun at the time! Hurrah! I can't wait until I get there!
Your footloose liberated chapters are NOT over. Mine are just beginning, as were Grammy's when she was my age. When I was your age, I had only one pre-school child, I had no PhD, no black belt, no piano, no violin, I hadn't learned to spin or quilt or ski. I had been to Europe a couple times, not a dozen. You're still a pretty young chick.
Mhana, it's true. I hated grad school. So hard, so miserable, and I was so so tired. And i still have the emotional baggage. But you're right that now I can look back and see the good through my rose colored glasses. Hopefully you will see it as a good thing in years to come, although I didn't do a phd, so I can't speak from experience about that. I'm sure the wounds cut deeper than mine.
CFG, you are my shining example of how to live life to the fullest. I don't know anyone else who has done so much and learned so much as you. A-mah-zing. I probably can't see past my nose right now and the tight leash I have with my kids. I Will do awesome things again! I will!
I have been catching up on your blog. I try to talk to you on the phone more than I read. Your posts are wonderful! It sounds like this Bishop therapist needs to speak at time out for women. And mhanas comment made me laugh.
Hobbes is mischevious. Duck tape him to a chair or something.
I love your cupcakes. Very girlie.
According to my in-laws, the empty nest stage is where all the actual fun starts in life. Traveling, yoga, biking, skiing. Apperently, the sixties area blast. Just thought of the movie city slickers... Have you seen it? Great line about aging .
I think you are right there are great things to come. And (speaking from someone who graduated college the year you graduated from high school), age is ALL mental - until you have to chase a toddler =)
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