Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Making it Feel Like Christmas

As I have mentioned previously, I have had a hard time getting into the spirit of Christmas this year. Christmas shopping was a bit stressful this time around, Spiff was very busy in his surgery rotation, and our vacation with my family has seemed so far away! But I have finally managed to catch the Christmas Bug, and I am very excited about the upcoming festivities. I realize that I am responsible for making it feel like Christmas. I also realize that this will be more important to my family as Gunner gets older, so for future reference, here are a few things we did this year that helped me get into the Christmas Spirit...

My friend, Maggie, gave me a Christmas tree! Pretty awesome gift, huh? They bought a new one last year, and she gave us this great little, pre-lit(!!!) tree, which Spiff and I decorated, and which I am completely in love with! I love the lights, and they have been on every waking hour since we put it up. This little tree has been a great centerpiece for our family this month, and was the thing that really helped me oust my humbug. Thanks, Maggie!

Apparently, it's very important for me to decorate my home in order for it to feel like Christmas. We put up the tree, an advent calendar on the wall, and our fabulous Playmobile nativity scene, and it makes me giddy to go into our living room!

We also attended a Christmas festival in the historic district of a local suburb. We got bundled up, braved the cold, and walked among the festive streets. We tried chestnuts roasted on an open fire for the first time. They're very good, but oddly taste a bit like potatoes. And we watched the Santa Claus Parade, filled with all kinds of Santas, carolers, and even the Sugar Plum Fairy. Very fun!
Uncle Sam Santa?
Frontier Santa

So, Merry Christmas! We wish you all have a wonderful holiday season!

Friday, December 11, 2009

5 Year Ago Today...

Spiff and I Got Married!

Our Wedding Luncheon, post ceremony:
The Winter Wonderland Reception:



Happy Five Years to Us!!!

That's what we were doing five years ago.
Spiff's sister was defending her BA Honors History Paper (well, that...and attending our party). What were you doing?

Sunday, December 06, 2009

The Homeless Man

Gunner is apparently aspiring to be a hobo when he grows up. He has a diaper box which he pushes around the house, filling with various and sundry articles of interest. Currently the rather weighty contents include: 1 empty 2 liter soda bottle, 1 24oz parmesan cheese container, 6 boxes of easy mac, 1 empty box of wheat thins, 1 tupperware full of cheerios, 1 3/4 cup measuring cup, 1 jumbo Lego, 1 Power Ranger cell phone, 3 floating bath animals (a whale, a polar bear, and a starfish), a container of hand lotion, a rubber spatula, an aluminum trivet, a Kitchenaid serving spoon, 12 board books, and a silicone oven mitt. I guess wherever he decides to settle he'll be well fed (assuming he can get into the easy mac), and entertained.

Fast Sunday

I'm having a first today. Well, not a Real first, but a first-in-a-long-time kind of first. I'm not pregnant, and I'm not a nursing mother anymore, so I'm fasting. And oh, boy, I forgot how difficult fasting is. First of all, I forgot about the blessed occasion until after I had already cooked oatmeal for Gunner and me for breakfast. Just as I was about to spoon it into our bowls, Spiff reminded me that it is, indeed, Fast Sunday. So I replaced my bowl into the cupboard, fed Gunner, and listened to him hum away as he enjoyed what was Going to be my breakfast.

Also, I am in the nursery, and snack time was slightly torturous for me today. I do enjoy the fact that we nursery leaders get to enjoy snacks with the kids. It is a small, but delightful, perk in such a difficult calling. But since I couldn't have my Craisins and animal crackers today, at least the kids were well behaved.

Now I'm home, waiting around for dinner time, and I'm having to fight the strong urge I have to be crabby with my family. My body thinks that my belly button is well on its way to merging with my spine. My stomach thinks that I have betrayed it, and it has absolutely convinced my mind that I might Not Ever Eat Again.

I will admit that I was able to listen to and absorb more of the testimonies in Sacrament Meeting today than I have in a long time. Whether that was because of my renewed efforts in fasting, or because Gunner was actually a good, non-temper-tantrum-throwing boy, or a little bit of both, I'm grateful to have felt the Spirit today. I guess that's why we do this to ourselves. Right?

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Ho Ho Ho

Gunner met Santa in the mall yesterday. He was walking the halls during a break, drinking a Mountain Dew. Gunner looked at him like he looks at all strangers, with a uncomfortable stare that I know as, "Mommy, someone is looking at me." He was otherwise unfazed by Jolly Old St. Nick. And no, I didn't get his picture taken with him.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Pet Peeves

What is this? This is the worst doorknob that mankind has ever designed, patented, and produced.
Unfortunately, our house is equipped with five of these masterpieces. As you can see, it readily separates into at least two pieces. The metal rod that you can see doesn't quite fit the hole it's supposed to fit in, so even when the whole miserable assembly is in situ, it rattles around. It rattles around in the lock, and it works its way loose from the horrible glass knob as well. Basically, there could not be a more annoying doorknob. I actually prefer using a screwdriver which fits the hole and, despite being removable, doesn't have to be adjusted twice a week.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

It's Christmas Time!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that Thanksgiving is in two days. And I'm very excited to spend the holiday with friends this year! But I have spent all day working on Christmas gift projects, and it has gotten me all "in the mood for Christmas Cheer". Well, sort of. I have finally started my shopping for the season (hooray for me!). However, I am feeling a bit like a humbug this year because I have no great gift ideas. None! For any of my family or friends. Add that to the fact that we're living on a student budget, and my inner Scrooge starts grumbling.

On the bright side, we get to spend Christmas with my family this year! I'm so excited about that that I can hardly stop myself from packing tomorrow and camping out at the airport for the next month. I know that once we get on the plane, all of the stress of shopping, the Christmas parties and concerts, and the Christmas cards will be mostly over, and it will be time to party! Family, prime rib dinner, egg nog, pie, games, and lots of people around to entertain Gunner for the entire vacation! Let the countdown begin!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

A Happier Family

So, it turns out that Gunner was sick for about three weeks. First with a cold (that Spiff & I had, too), and then his "lingering cough" got worse and we realized that he was really quite sick with something else. Poor little guy. He was so whiny and awful for the past month, and I thought it was just a behavioral phase. Oh well. At least he is feeling better and is back to his cheerful self, and at least we now have a frame of reference for what he is like when he feels like poo.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Voice of Experience

My other sister came to visit me last week. For a whole week. It can hardly get any better than that, and I am very grateful to her and her family for their sacrifice in making that visit happen. It was, again, so nice to have my sister around for the companionship, the familiarity and comfort. Most of all, although it was not her intention to come and give us parenting advice, I appreciated her sharing her experience with us.

Gunner is at a difficult age for me. He is so interactive, cute and fun, and I love him, BUT he is whiny. And he throws tantrums. And he whines while he throws tantrums. And then he whines because he threw a tantrum. And then he throws another tantrum because he feels like he didn't whine loudly enough. So I feel like I am fighting him all day long. Things that used to thrill him now throw him into hysterics.

For example, here is an interaction we have several times a day. (I have included his actual actions and what I think he would be saying if he could talk.)
Me: Would you like a cracker?
Gunner: Throws his head back and wails...NOOOO! I Don't want a cracker! How could you think I might have ever wanted a cracker?! My Life Is Now OVER!!!

That's right. All the drama, over a cracker. Or a drink of water. Or a toy. You name it, and he overreacts about it. There is definitely a learning curve for both of us here. He is learning how to handle all of these new emotions, opinions, and preferences. He is learning how to push my buttons. I am learning how to deal with a person w/ opinions, and how to deal with a person who won't let me comfort him.

That's where my sister comes in. She has three daughters, age 10, 7 and 2. She has dealt with her fair share of fits and temper tantrums. Her philosophy about temper tantrums is this: If you're going to cry, you're going to cry in your room, or on the floor, or wherever, but basically you're going to figure it out. Her two-year-old goes to her room to cry, and if my sister checks on her and she's not "done", she'll say, "I'm Crahying. Geet Out!"

One day during my sister's visit, Gunner threw a tantrum, and we tested her philosophy. What happened was a lot like this kid from youtube. Although not quite as extreme, Gunner did follow us around the house for about five minutes, crying when we could see him, and calming himself down after we had left the room.


I am now working with Gunner on an attitude adjustment that consists of two things:
1) I'm trying to teach him to decline an offer by simply saying, "No Thank You". Any version of this will do, but I'm trying to avoid the hysterics over being offered a cracker. This already seems to be helping.
2) I'm also trying to teach him that he doesn't get what he wants by throwing a tantrum. I will understand his need to cry about it, and I will give him the space to do so. When he has calmed himself down, then we can "talk".

I know that he is very young, and that these may sound a bit harsh, but if there's one thing I learned from my sister's visit, it's that my little son knows exactly what he's doing, even at this young age. And if he won't let me comfort him anymore, then he has to learn another how to comfort himself.

She also taught me that I take myself and my son too seriously. It's difficult for me to be goofy and have fun with him when I'm tired, but it's very important to mix the fun with the rest, and I had forgotten about that. I hope I don't forget it again.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Up To Here

We are fed up. Gunner wakes up at 5:00 a.m. What do you even do with a baby at five in the morning?!?! I am not a good mommy at 5:00 in the morning. I can do 6:00, but I cannot to 5:00. I can't even think about being a decent mommy until six. Last week, I decided to concentrate on teaching him that the day doesn't start until at least 6:00. But in order for me to get a few minutes of extra sleep, I have been nursing him in the morning. So, when he wakes up (always screaming!), I take him into bed with me, nurse him, and make him cuddle me until at least 6:00. The result is that he sometimes snoozes until around 6:30, but usually he and I just end up fighting and I end up getting up in a bad mood. And I have had it up to Here (my neck, my eyeballs, highest reach...take your pick) with starting our day this way.

I read that some babies wake up early when they expect breakfast right away, so we should delay feeding them until a "normal" breakfast time. So, we don't sit him down for cereal until 7:00. Does this mean that that I need to delay (or just cut out) that early morning nursing/cuddle, too?

Also, I hear everywhere that we need to push back his bedtime about 10 minutes each night so that he gets used to a slightly later bedtime, which might then convince him to sleep a little later in the morning. I am hesitant to do this for two reasons. 1) He seems to always wake up at generally the same time in the morning, no matter what time we put him to bed. 2) He is so tired in the evening after being awake since FIVE, that it's all we can do to keep him up until bedtime. And generally, it's a miracle if he's still alive at bedtime since he is so tired and cranky that we can hardly stand him!!!

I have talked to several moms who say that they nurse their babies around 5:00 in the morning, and then put them back to bed. It works for them, but I don't think Gunner would ever go back to bed. Especially since bedtime is between 6:30-7:00 at night, and by 5 a.m., he has already been asleep for 10 1/2 to 11 hours!

So, what do we do with him? Does anyone else have early risers? What have you done that works for your family? And how do you cope with them?

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

News.

We are changing the way this blog is administered. As of 11/1 this will blog will be by subscription only.

If you would like to continue to follow our drab little lives, email us and we'll put you on the subscriber list.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Neuro Psych

So I haven't posted in a while, but not because I haven't had anything to say. I have spent the last 4 weeks doing inpatient psychiatry at our inner-city hospital. Daily, schizophrenic patients abstaining from their medications would report to the ER or were brought by the police after being found cursing in the street or doing other disorganized behavior. We had a gentleman with multiple personalities, numerous heroin addicts, an anti-social personality, a borderline personality, multiple suicide attempts or gestures, and of course generic psychosis and delirium. I live a very sheltered life, it turns out. I never really realized how well off I am, despite living on a pittance from student loans, until I saw the effects that devastating mental illness had on these folks. You never really think twice about being able to evaluate the world realistically and act accordingly until you meet people who can't. It was disheartening, really, to help bring a schizophrenic patient down from his floridly psychotic state to a less psychotic, but still rather disorganized condition, discharging him, and knowing that in 2 months or less, he would have stopped taking his medication, or not followed up or been lost to follow up, and likely be gracing our ER again.

The downward drift hypothesis of schizophrenia certainly holds true in the city here. This hypothesis posits that schizophrenia is more common among lower income echelons of society, either because of their low income status, or more often because their schizophrenia causes them to lose employement and become a marginalized member of society. Most of our patients drifted from group home to group home, and living intermittently on the street until they were sick enough the police found them and brought them to the hospital. Dante outlined concentric circles in Hell, and presumably there are analagous realms in Heaven, the more exalted of which are occupied by Social Workers. The social workers on 4 West Psychiatry Service found these people homes and case workers who would follow them and ensure, to some degree, that they recieved and took their medication. Their tireless efforts ensure that, at least on discharge, our patients at least had a roof and food.

Depressing as the schizophrenic patients were, the heroin addicts were worse. They would come to the ER either having OD'ed, run out of dope and detoxing, or allegedly wanting to go to rehab, which usually happened mostly on cold nights. If they only wanted a roof, they left AMA (against medical advice) when the weather warmed up, or when their cravings got bad enough, usually after 36 hours or so. The really sad cases were those who wanted, or at least convincingly acted as though they wanted (drug addicts will make you cynical very quickly) to get clean, but would then leave as soon as the craving for heroin overpowered their higher cortical funtion. The ol' limbic system is pretty powerful compared with the puny little cerebral cortex. One trio went so far as to stage a little drug reunion in the parking lot after leaving AMA. Sadly, two of them were at a point when they really could have changed, gotten clean, and moved on in their lives, but instead chose to piss away what little meaningful trappings of life they had left.

I can never practice Psychiatry because there is so much of the patient's social environment that factors into their illness but that lies outside the realm of any intervention I can make. It is arguable that this is true in all medical specialties, but I contend that it is to a lesser extent. So much of psychiatric illness stems from problems in childhood, abuse, poor education, low income, poor housing, poor mobility, poor literacy, poor parenting, that a psychiatrist can only do so much to ameliorate. Combine the underlying socio-economic problem with a pharmacological arsenal that is rather limited, and psychiatric illness becomes a daunting and frustrating thing to manage.

I never fully understood the logic behind giving a patient SSRI #1 v. SSRI #2 , and then why schizophrenic patient Joe took antipsychotic X which we then switched to Y , thinking of perhaps combining with Z and W as well. Perhaps that's my fault as a medical student, but as I have alluded to in other posts, psych meds are difficult to understand because of the combinations of receptors that they interact with, as well as the fact that the underlying disease is very poorly understood from a molecular biological standpoint. Take my patient "Joan", who took: Seroquel (quetiapine, an anti-psychotic with anti-dopamine and anti-serotonin properties), Modafinil (an atypical stimulant type medication whose mechanism is unknown), Celexa (a selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor (SSRI)), and a few other non-psych meds. It would be extremely challenging, based on the known mechanisms of those drugs, to predict how they will interact with one another, let alone the underlying psychiatric illness, which in this case was a personality disorder more than depression, and thus more likely to be refractory to medication in the first place! (take that, grammar snobs! 'twas a run-on sentence!)

I bid adieu to neurology/psychiatry and will now enter the cut-throat world of surgery (no pun intended). I have the following rotations: pediatrics, pediatric urology, general adult, and orthopedics. At least I will be back in children's hospital which is much nicer than the adult hospital next door. As I know that there are surgeons who read this blog, I will be diplomatic in my analysis of this rotation. I fully expect to be the low man on the totem pole, in this case the little raccoon-man who is parked 2 feet underground holding up the rest of the totem pole so that admiring tourists can gush about the woodwork.

Our Tiny Toddler

Gunner is getting so good at walking. We had such a beautiful Fall day one day last week, so I took him on a little walk outside. He loved it! He walked a block in about an hour. He liked all the leaves on the ground, and he was absolutely fascinated by each set of stairs we passed. He's a pretty good climber, too. He doesn't know how to get back down safely yet, so I spent my time heaving him off the landings and redirecting him back down the sidewalk.

This is a video of my view as I walk behind him. He's a pretty stinkin' cute tiny toddler!


The title of the video is a reference to our friend's little boy who couldn't remember Gunner's name, so he called him Baby Jones. In their family, we are now called Spiff, Windy and Baby Jones.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Gunner's 1st Birthday

Last week, we celebrated Gunner's first birthday. I can hardly believe that he is one already, but watching him talk and talk (babble is more accurate) and walk around the house leaves me with one conclusion... Yep, we have a toddler! And I have to deal with the initial shock of that realization, and the terror that grips my heart when I realize that I have no idea what to do with a toddler, especially a toddler boy. It is seriously a different beast, and it happened almost overnight. Since he started walking and "talking", he has decided that life is just too fun to ever ever slow down for a nap. And those teeth and the shots from the 12-month doctor's visit just clinched things for him, and not only does he think that napping is now optional, he also thinks that morning starts at 5:15 in the morning.

Yes, I did write 5:15!!! In the morning!!!

And remember, naps are now optional. Which means that he usually chooses to opt out.

Sigh.

Anyway, about the birthday festivities. We had a great time. First, my sister was in town, and so we held a little "party" before she left. Lucky Gunner got to dig in to this cake 5 days before the big day.
I must admit that I was pretty excited about the cupcake eating/smashing experience. He loved it, and he was the perfect little performer. When he figured out that he had a yummy, sweet cupcake in front of him, and it was all for him, and he had permission to actually eat it, boy did he dig in. He started by sucking all of the frosting off the top, and then proceeded to devour the entire thing, other than what he smashed onto his hands, belly, face, hair and ears.

We continued his birthday celebrations over the weekend when some friends came into town from Minnesota. We went downtown and visited some parks and the Old Courthouse. We went to the zoo, and we ate a yummy BBQ dinner. Then lucky Gunner got to dig in to this cake:
This time, he wanted to eat the whole thing (all twelve cupcakes in the stack), and when Spiff took the cake back to the table after blowing out the candles, Gunner lost it. There was too much excitement and not enough cake for him, and he cried uncontrollably for a good two minutes before he realized that there was in fact another yummy cupcake sitting on his tray, all for him. He devoured that one, too.

He also got spoiled with lots of fun presents from his aunties, grandparents, friends, and us, of course. And I have loved having some new toys around this week. He is in heaven, carting his new soccer ball, cars, fishies, books, and stacking cups around the house. That's just all part of the fun that is this new life called Toddlerhood.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

On Being Alone

I have an adorable little two-year-old niece who, like me, has two beautiful older sisters. I think she is a very insightful little girl because she feels lucky to have sisters. As I was visiting with her family not long ago, she walked past me, and in her sweet sing-song voice said, "I go play with my sisters!" As she rounded the corner to the play room, she sung out to them, "Hello, Sisters!"

I adore my own sisters, and I miss them every single day. One of them came to visit me last weekend. We had a great time together, and I'm so glad she came. But then, as I drove up to my house after dropping her off at the airport, I felt my heart sort of sink into my stomach with the thought, "I'm alone again."

I don't mean to sound depressing, or in any way ungrateful for my circumstances. Of course, I have Spiff, and I am so grateful that he loves me and comes home to me every day after his long, hard days of school/work. And of course, I have my little Gunner, who is with me almost all of the time. I have a constant companion who loves me so completely that I hardly dare ask why. So I'm not really alone. But I feel like it sometimes when I find myself facing daily life and my mountains of chores.

I bring up being alone because having my sister here was so refreshing. It was so very glorious to have some company. We ran errands together. I carried the bags, and she carried the baby. We cooked dinner together. She chopped, I stirred, and the food was finished and on the table in half the time. We talked, and she gave me an outlet for my insatiable need for conversation. We watched movies, hung out, and laughed until we cried, all in a way that only sisters can.

So when she left, I admit that I felt sad and a bit incapable of facing those mountains of chores...alone. Now imagine the big sigh, and me trudging up my large front stairs, head down, with the sad Snoopy song playing in the background.

And then a friend called me up and came over for a visit. We hung out together with our kids, talked, and ate lunch together. She probably didn't see it as an act of service, but it meant the world to me. For a few hours, she took my mind off of the fact that I'm not going to see my sister for months. She kept me company, I hope she knows how much I appreciate her friendship.

I feel like I am a fairly independent person. I enjoy running alone. I do most of my errands and shopping alone. I can eat alone at a restaurant. I have even gone to movies by myself. I enjoy having alone time. (Doesn't some time alone, without a baby crawling all over you, sound just divine?) I think that independence is an important quality to have. But I can't help feeling that sometimes, things are just better with some company.

I have great friends here, and I hope they don't mind me leaning on them when I feel lonely. They make it possible for me to be okay about being so far away from my sisters. They make it bearable to say "Hello, Sisters!" from thousands of miles away. They make it bearable to face the mountains of chores "alone".

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Only 25 weeks to go!

I was finally able to schedule my anesthaesia electives for the spring, and they're in only 25 weeks! All I have to do is make it through 3 more weeks of psych without tearing my hair out (trichotillomania), 8 weeks of surgery, 12 weeks of eternal medicine, and then the promised land! For the mathematically inclined, I have a two week christmas vacation during which I will sleep.

Psych/neuro has been the nadir of 3rd year thus far, which they will hopefully remain as I would like to enjoy the rest of the year. I don't enjoy the pigeonholing arbitrary nature of psych. Everything has to fit into a neat little DSM IV rubric. If your patient has been depressed for only 3 weeks and 3 days, they aren't technically depressed yet ( or somesuch crap, I don't care to look up the criteria right now), but it doesn't matter any way because they still get an SSRI. What if your patient is 86% of her ideal body weight, but is still binging and purging? Well then she's not anorexic, she's bulimic! (binging and purging are found in both anorexia and bulimia, percentile body weight is actually used to distinguish the two.) But if she loses 500 grams, then she's anorexic! These categorizations are totally arbitrary and more or less pointless because they don't really affect therapeutic decision making.

Psychopharmacology also sucks. The names of the drugs are all confusing, and the trade names sound like the generic versions of other drugs. That, and they're all very dirty drugs which act on multiple receptors and have about a dozen effects and two dozen side effects. These drugs are not like blood pressure meds, for example, which have well understood mechanisms and a relatively straightforward effects. Additionally, there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason as to why one patient gets SSRI X while another gets SSRI Y. 2.5 weeks left until I prostrate myself on the shelf exam and hope to heaven I pass.

-SS

Friday, October 02, 2009

Attack of the Tooth Fairy

One Tooth, Two Tooth, Three Tooth, Four;
Today we found a third tooth, and then One More!

We discovered his third tooth today, and then just before we put Gunner to bed tonight, I thought that his gums were looking awfully swollen. Plus, he has been a complete bear for several days. We were sure that the fourth tooth was going to be following that third soon, but I didn't expect to find that it had also broken through today! No wonder he has been having a rough time lately. Two new teeth in one day!

Three Teeth

Gunner has his third tooth! Today he added his upper left to his collection of two bottom teeth. We're so very excited!

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Parking Troubles

I got a parking ticket today for forgetting that it was street-sweeping day (darn first day of the month snuck up on me). And then a parking meter ate my quarter!

Is that bad luck? Or did I anger the Parking Gods?

Monday, September 28, 2009

My New Job

I have started a small part-time job as a choir accompanist. I was not looking for a job, and didn't really want to start working, since I have Gunner at home and Spiff is a busy 3rd-year bee. And then an opportunity jumped out at me from out of nowhere, and I couldn't turn it down. A voice teacher I knew while working as an accompanist at a local university called me a few weeks ago and offered me the job. I hadn't spoken to him in a year and a half, and I am quite surprised that he remembered me. He told me that his former pianist quit at the last minute, and he practically begged me to take the position. The choir is a "class" at a pharmacy school, made up of students who want a form of artistic release in the midst of all of their scientific studies. They meet twice a week, and usually only half of the choir is present at each rehearsal. He assured me that it is a very low pressure, low stress gig. So after talking to Spiff and convincing many of my friends to help watch Gunner, I decided that it was a good opportunity for me, and I took the job.

I have been doing this for about a month, and so far it seems to be working out. I think it is nice that Spiff has a scheduled evening to be with Gunner. It is also nice for Gunner to spend one-on-one time with daddy, and to get out and play with other moms and kids during the weekly rehearsal. It's so much fun for him that he thinks he has died and gone to heaven for two hours a week.

It is also giving me a chance to play the piano and exercise my brain. I am so badly out of "piano shape", and I can feel my fingers and my mind being stretched like taffy while I play warm-ups and parts, and sight read. This is pretty easy stuff, too, and I'm surprised at how much I find myself working at it, considering that accompanying (sight reading, sight reading and sight reading!!!) was what I spent the majority of my time doing while in college and grad school. So, I am grateful for this new tiny job because it's giving me a small chance to get back some of what I have lost over the last few years of ignoring the piano.