I Am a Mother

Okay, I'm baring my soul here, people.  Please bear with me.

I have been thinking a lot about motherhood lately.  I have been struggling a lot with my job: my kids, feelings of inadequacy, lack of motivation, loneliness, fatigue, anger, lack of control, guilt, and the monotony of taking care of my children and house.  It feels like an never-ending cycle of preparing food, trying to get the kids to eat it, and then cleaning it all up.  Five times every day.  My sweet little Hobbes is the worst eater.  He would much rather play with his food than eat it.  It is always, Always smeared all over his tray, his shirt, his face and hair, and all over the floor.  And I am going to admit that I hate cleaning it up fives times a day.  And at the end of the day, when I'm cleaning it up again, the monotony of it all gets to me. I feel a flood of all of those negative emotions, I'm feel tired when I'm doing bedtime with the kids, and then I am not at my best with my children.  My poor, wonderful children who deserve the best from me at all times.

My good friend wrote a beautiful post on Mother's Day.  She wrote about how natural it is for her to be a mother, like she was created for this specific purpose.  I have thought about that often and thought how lucky she is.  How lucky to be so natural at something that is so all-consuming in life, and something that is so very important.

I have also felt a bit envious because I have never felt that.  I have always wanted to feel that, but I never have.  I always wanted to be a mom.  I always thought I would be great at it, that I would love every moment, that there was nothing else I could ever do.  Then I had Gunner.  He was so hard from the very beginning, and I suffered from severe PPD.  Gunner continues to be a challenge.  I still struggle almost every day, and I have realized that I'm not what I always hoped I would be.  Mothering has never felt natural to me.

It is hard for me.  There are days that I don't think I can continue.  There are days I want to quit.  There are days I think my children deserve better than me.  There are days I think I should get a full-time job and hire professionals to care for my kids because they would do a better job.

My friend, Chelsey, just wrote a great post about stay-at-home-moms.  What impressed me about this post was how she described her desire to raise her children.  She wants memories and good relationships with her children.  She chooses to stay at home with her kids because it is the best thing for her family.  She takes pride in her job and does everything she can to do her best.

Lately, I have had to redefine what I want from this role in my life, what I want to give, and how I want to accomplish it all.  I have talked with Spiff.  I have gone to the Lord for help.  I am still working it all out.  I desperately want to be a good mom.  I want my decision to stay home with my kids to truly be the best thing for my family.  I want my kids to know how much I love them and that they are so very special.  I want to have good relationships with them so that I can help them become the very best they can be.  I want to be able to look past this difficult phase of young kids needing me constantly and see my boys as responsible, happy, healthy adults.  Because that's what it's all about, isn't it?  Helping our children become self-sufficient contributing members of society.  And hopeful ones who will return home often and hug their proud mama.

If you read Chelsey's post, then you read this next part already.  In case you didn't read it, I'm posting it here.  I just loved the advice she passed on from a friend.  It encompasses so many things I struggle with as a mother.  It shows me that I am not alone in my feelings.  It reminds me that I have tools to work with when things are hard.  I have printed this out to post in my home.  I will read it every day until it becomes so much a part of me that I hopefully won't have to work so hard to be better at mothering.

I am a mother.  It was my choice to have children, and it is my choice what kind of a mother I will be.  I choose to try my best for my children.

1. In homemaking and mothering, what matters most is that your home is happy. If you have to let everything else go to get this one thing right, you will have traded well.

2. Kids can't hurry. They try, but...they fail. (I usually like to move at Cheetah Speed, in accomplishing household things and running errands. Let's get it done. I wait for no man. But doing things with little kids has turned my cheetah into one who one only has three legs, one of which is broken and one of which is five inches shorter than all the others. And also the cheetah is carsick, and shedding weird patches of hair, and drooling a lot. Whatever. Anyway, it's inefficient and s-l-o-w.) If you can only accomplish something by hurrying, don't. It is not worth the frustration that will ensue. Try again on a different day when you have more time.

3. No phase (or day) lasts forever. To me this is a reminder to breath it in deeply when it's fun and let it go with a sigh, when it's hard. This, too, shall pass.

4. It's easier to preempt a problem than to deal with its aftermath. (Following this advice could mean almost anything...hiding extra diapers in the car, giving D a nap when he has to stay up late for E's baseball game, separating tired children at the dinner table because they WILL start fighting if they're sitting next to each other, packing a snack or some crayons and paper if we're going to be out for a while, etc.) It is worth the time it takes to look at a situation that you know will push your limits and say, "What will make it hard? How can I make the hard stuff easier?"

5. Sometimes (a lot of times) the kid who did the hitting needs to be held even more than the one who got hit.

6. Be consistent. Follow through with consequences. Do something when you're counting and you actually get to "3". No means no. And praise, praise, praise the good stuff!

7. Smile at your husband and children. Just out of the blue, for no reason other than that they exist, they are yours, and that is a blessing. Wink. Mouth a silent, "I love you." Consistent, small displays of affection go a long way.

8. Pray together with your kids. Especially when you are grasping at sanity and self-control. Gather them around you, hold hands, and pray, even if you have to sob your way through it. Tell God that you are having a hard time. That you can't think clearly or don't know what to do. Ask Him--right there, out loud in front of your children--for forgiveness, to give you more love for your family, for help becoming a better mother. I've tried this a number of times. Every time, I have been changed. I finish praying and my instinct is to draw my children to me, hold them, apologize, and express my love to them. We get up and we try again, but it is better. Different. This is a magical piece of advice from a very dear friend. I wish I remembered it more often.

9. Admit when you blew it. Tell your kids you're sorry. My great sister-in-law put herself in time-out once after she lost her temper...chair facing the wall, timer on and all. Kids learn from parental mistakes and how they're handled. They are quick to forgive. Apologizing to them teaches them to apologize, and that everybody makes mistakes.

10. If you need time to yourself to get stuff done, you can usually get it by spending some undistracted time with your kids first. I read once about a mom who swore that if she took 15 minutes helping her kids get started in a play game (building a couch fort, making a Lego creation, helping them put on dress up clothes and makeup, gathering sticks and rocks for a pretend campsight, etc.) they would then play happily with that thing, alone, for at least 45 minutes. Fifteen minutes buys you forty-five. Not bad. I've tried this one a lot--it usually works nicely. Also, turns out it's super fun to forget about the phone and the laundry for a little bit and just play with your kids. Like a kid.

11. You're doing better than you think you are. If your kids know you love them, and if you're just trying to do a good job, that's enough. Forgive yourself for the stuff you aren't getting right quite yet.