When Mama Ain't Happy

Throughout Spiff's medical journey, there are always those rotations, the ones that seem undoable.  This OB rotation is one of those for me and Spiff.  It's a Q3 call schedule, so he does overnight call every three days.  I don't think it would be so bad for him if he enjoyed the work environment, but he has never liked OB.  He likes the procedures okay, but doesn't like the nurses (who seem overly bossy--sorry if you're an OB nurse.  He probably like you just fine.), the crazy laboring women, or their sometimes even crazier husbands.  Mostly he has a hard time with all the many things that can go wrong in OB, and he has a hard time seeing sick children and babies.

So he is mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted during this five-week month of August.  It's hard to imagine making it through the next three weeks when every day of work seems interminable, and he doesn't ever feel caught up on sleep and truly rested.

For the rest of us, this means that our jobs are harder, too.  The kids go every three days without seeing Dad, and then knowing that he'll be at home sleeping the next day.  They are pretty good about it actually.  They are used to it just being me and them, and I have gotten used to doing all the meals, activities, bedtime routines, and chores.  Normally, we do just fine.

But take this moment from the other day:
On Spiff's post-call day, while he alternately slept and tried to do work at home, we ran out of bread, and I decided to whip up a couple of loaves so I wouldn't have to go to the store.  I also decided to prepare dinner ahead of time, which was a double-batch (so I could freeze some for later) of cheese stuffed shells, with homemade red sauce w/ fresh herbs from my garden (because we have them).  I don't make it much anymore because it's so time intensive.  Between bread, dinner, and feeding snacks to the kids, it kept me being in the kitchen all afternoon.

The kids were so good all day, but both of them soft of broke down just before dinner with the Tired and Hungry Crazies.  Potty-training has really taken it out of Hobbes.  He's so so tired, and come dinner time, he was a wreck.  I had been fine all day, but I also ran out of energy just before serving dinner.

As we sat down at the dinner table, Hobbes was crying because I put butter on his bread.  Gunner was upset because he didn't want to eat the cheesy noodles.  Spiff looked and felt like a zombie and could hardly keep his eyes open.  I was trying my best to diffuse the situation, but coming up short.

Spiff looked around at our struggling family and said, "Look at our family of little wrecks, all leaning on our Pillar of Mindy."

As he said it, I immediately imagined myself as a Pillar holding up our household, and as I ran out of energy and crumbled, so did everyone else.  

This was a moment when I realize how much my little family leans on me, and it felt so overwhelming, and I feel so inadequate.  I realize that the old saying, "When Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" is so true.  When I am feeling well, rested and happy, I can feel up for my many tasks, and I can do it happily.  I can handle the tantrums, the whining, the crying, the potty-training kid, the accidents, the mountains of laundry, the constant feeding of children, etc. 

But when I'm not in the right frame of mind, or I have a headache, or am sick, or whatever little thing comes along, and I find myself not standing tall, it really affects my family.  I have never thought of it before as a Pillar of Mom, but it is an accurate depiction of my role (and all mothers), but especially in this phase of my life.

Hopefully I'm up for the task.  My family is worth it.