Acceptance and Approval

Our mid-week relief society meeting this week was so so so good.  They invited the bishop of another ward in our stake to speak to us about relationships (any type of relationship, couples, friends, family, children, etc.).  I can't remember his credentials, but he works as a therapist, doing mostly couples therapy.  He was such an interesting and dynamic speaker, I could have listened to him for hours!  It's not often that I find any soft of meeting that I don't want ever to end.

A few of the things he focused on were the skills or attributes we can have/gain that will help our relationships be successful.  He asked for our input: What is the one thing you can do to be successful in your relationships?  People suggested being honest, focusing on making someone happy, serving, etc.  But the things he said will always work are "Acceptance and Approval" because those are the things that people need and want.  We want to be accepted for who we are, for the decisions we make, for the things we say and do, for the way we look.  And we want to be approved of, especially by the people who love us.

The example he gave is of a time when his wife took their son to college in another state, and they had decided to furnish his new apartment with used furniture.  While his wife was out of town, she called and told him how happy she was that they had purchased all the furniture, and that it would be delivered within the hour, and what a blessing it was that they wouldn't have to carry anything up three flights of stairs.  He was shocked and was furious as it dawned on him that only new furniture could be delivered, and he had just bought his son an apartment full of brand new furniture.

However, he responded in a unique way.  He realized that the decision had already been made.  He told his wife that he was happy for her.  Then he signed off and moved on.

He approached the subject with her a week later, after having time to realize that the reason he was upset wasn't that she had purchased new furniture.  He was actually happy that she and their son hadn't had to carry heavy furniture up three flights of stairs.  What upset him was that he felt that he hadn't been listened to.  But by waiting a week to discuss it, he had had time to focus on the real reason he felt angry, they were able to have a rational and easy conversation about it, and they were able to skip a potential problem.

The moral here is that we should never get mad at people.  If the decision has been made, there's nothing for it but to accept, approve, and move on.  

What a great idea!

It's much harder in practice, and I'm not sure how to do this without feeling like a doormat when decisions are made that I don't agree with.  But I see his point of view about accepting and approving, especially as I realize that I crave this myself.  I can see how helpful this approach would be if I am focusing on trying to be a peacemaker in my home.  I can see how important it is to accept and approve of my husband, and how I hope he can do the same for me.  I can see how it would be helpful with my children as I learn who they are, and I absolutely must accept them for who they are. 

I don't believe that everyone always needs to agree on everything.  There is no way that could ever happen.  But I think that it is better to avoid contention within our relationships if we can, and to focus on living in a peaceful environment where the Spirit can dwell with us.  

And that, my friends, is your inspirationally-focused thought for the day.  Comments?