Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Nervous Confession

I know a whole lot of pregnant women these days. A whole lot! It's that time of life for us, and most of our friends are having babies and expanding their families. If someone isn't pregnant, it's probably because they just had a baby, or are somehow in that wonderful in-between stage when your baby is still a baby and you haven't yet thought about the next one. I just spent a few minutes looking at blogs of some friends who are in the just-had-their-baby category. I love their birth stories and pictures of their sqwudgy little newborns, but reading their stories had an unexpected effect on me.

In short, it made me nervous.

Don't get me wrong. I'm already nervous out of my mind about having another baby. How will we make it through labor & delivery again? How will I handle having two small children? How will I survive the newborn stage? How will Gunner handle things? Etc. The nerves are in no way a new thing.

What I didn't expect was realizing with intense sadness that I am coming up short of my alone time with Gunner.

I remember visiting a friend in the hospital 18 months ago to meet her second child. Things went great for them, and their new little boy was a dream! I asked her the details of their hospital stay, and she replied that she was hoping to go home sooner rather than later. She stated, "My girl is there."

I remember being sort of shocked by this opinion because of my own experience being at the hospital with newborn Gunner. I didn't want to take him home. I liked being at the hospital. I liked the food. I liked the nurses. I liked being able to send Gunner away to the nursery, get some sleep, and see him again with a diaper that had been magically replaced for me! Home meant that we had to care for this foreign little demander all on our own, and I had no idea what to do with him!

I think I understand what she meant now. While I read my friends' experiences, I imagined our upcoming stay at the hospital, with Spiff going back and forth from hospital with me to home with Gunner, leaving me to get acquainted with our new little boy. I feel a bit jealous of him. I'm feeling that I would rather go home to the little boy we have had two years to know and love, than stay at the hospital by myself taking care of a stranger and missing my sweet toddler.

I'm also imagining baby #2 reading this post someday and thinking I'm a horrible mother who didn't want or love him. That's not the case. Of course I want this child, and I imagine that I will love him and Gunner equally. All I'm saying is that I have loved having my one baby. I have loved giving Gunner my undivided love and attention. I will miss that.


Kirsten said...

You are so not alone! I remember feeling that exact way! I remember thinking that there was no way I was going to love the second as much as I love the first. And thinking about how much I'd miss Charlie when I was in the hospital. I did miss him terribly, but I made Mike bring him in to hang out with me for most of the time I was there. And I remember crying about how I was going to turn Charlie's world upside down by bringing home someone to take so much of my attention.

But I promise you, when you see that sweet baby . . . and see that sweet little boy holding that sweet baby, it'll make everything right in the world. Not that you won't have a whole new set of things to be nervous about . . . they just won't matter as much.

I'm so excited for you my Mindy friend!

Lauren said...

I feel nervous about having my second too. And (of course, since I'm a mother) I feel guilty that I'll be shortchanging Josh. I'm working on helping him over come his speech problems and I just don't know how I'll do once I have someone else to take care of too. Add to the fact that Josh has absolutely no idea what is coming and I just feel really bad for him. Hopefully he'll appreciate having a brother in a few years.

Janelle Dobson said...

Darling Mindy! I wouldn't love you so much if you didn't worry so much because it is a sign of your love and concern for others. But let me ease your mind a little- you will be a wonderful mother of two. Yes there are plenty of moments of frustration as you are nursing one while the other wreaking havoc in your kitchen. But, just as with your first child, you will find your groove and be oh so grateful for this remarkable opportunity to be a steward for two of Heavenly Father's beloved children. And do not worry about Gunner- because although you will miss a bit more one on one time with him, you need to remember you are giving him the greatest gift that EVERY child wants- a sibling, particularly one close in age to grow with and love. Mark my words, he will adore this child the moment he sees it. And nothing will give you greater joy than watching the two of them play together.

Pulcheria said...

I also know exactly how you are feeling. I often found myself in tears thinking these same thoughts when I was pregnant with Adri. But it does all seem to fit into place when the baby comes - and you will find the one-on-one moments to share with both boys. And how could any child of yours wonder if they are loved or how much? Love you!

nurse graham said...

I guess you could be nervous about what it says of you as a mother if you WANT to stay in the hospital a little longer than necessary after the second one is born--like me. After my 2nd, they asked if I wanted to go home right away. I said "no". I knew my little girl was been well cared for & I wasn't sure I wanted to rush into newborn and toddler craziness. So I stayed. For 3 days. Now what does that say about me?

lulu said...

This post gave me the chills. I love you Mindy!

Mindy said...

Bless you, my friends.