An Hour and Fifteen Minutes

That's how long my baby cries when he wakes up at night. When I hear him wake up at night, I look at the clock and know that we'll have to endure his pitiful cries for no less than an hour and fifteen minutes.

I'm so sad that I know this.

How long have we been sleep training? Three months, if I remember correctly. We have had to endure this for So Long. It's miserable every night, and I feel like the worst momma in the world every. single. time.

And I think the very worst part of it is the regret. We went through this with Gunner as a baby. We rocked him to sleep as a tiny baby, and I loved it. Only when it stopped working (around six months) did we painfully decide, as first-time parents, that we needed to let him cry-it-out. Spiff and I both decided that crying-it-out was so miserable that we would never let another baby of ours become dependent on us to go to sleep. We convinced ourselves that it was our fault that he didn't have any self-soothing skills, and that we caused that situation.

So when Hobbsie came around, we both refused to rock him to sleep. From the very beginning, we put him down in his bed to fall asleep on his own. With the help of a swaddle and a binkie, "we taught him self-soothing skills," and he was awesome at falling asleep on his own and sleeping through the night. Up until six months old, when just like Gunner, it stopped working.

And now I feel like I missed out on one of the most precious and wonderful experiences I can have with my sweet little child...rocking and holding him as a tiny baby. And it was all for nothing. And I will never get that time back.

I also have plenty of time to think about this awful regret...every night...as he cries-it-out for an hour and fifteen minutes.